I Have Been …

I have been so very thinking about Jen (nee) Richmond these days (and damn you if you think worse of me for being honest, for using your name, but it is still me, here, naked, bare, ripping open the sutures and marvelling at the role of the vein)

[and where are you?]

[i hope you are well]

Because even if I laughed in my selfish and ego driven primor that saw your useless striving as the working man’s right (what an ass I was and am, still now, still thinking I can outsmart this body and this spirit and this soul)

[but i am damning myself, not you]

how do I say this?

I only laughed at you because I was jealous.

I only riled you because I knew I would never have your endurance.

I only ripped at your throat because I knew I would never be good enough to even nip at your ankles.

                  [being your wingman, me, would never make it up]

and so i made you think that you were second class, because I could not live up to the spectrum of your morality,

because i could not answer honestly to the ethics that you so radiantIy burned.

because i thought that thinking was better than doing.

because i gave up the blood long before you ever succumbed…

and I was better,

…. for a while.

{but now I think}

there would be no passion, without you

but there would be no adventure, without me.

there would be no conviction, without you

but there would be perseverance without me/

there would be, no more, strife without you,


There would be no more life without me.

[i hope your are fighting still] …

i hope this belly full of pain is not in vain.








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